I know that excessive sleep deprivation is contributing to my mood right now, so I am trying to put things into perspective. Nonetheless I cannot help but feel overcome with the kind of self-consciousness that makes me want to disappear to a private place where I can fold inward upon myself and block out the world and cry a little. But it is pouring outside, so instead I am in a corner of the university library tumbling about my feelings until the rain stops.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I did wrong or do wrong.
Here is what happened:
When my cohort friend was not able to attend lit. fest with me because she had work at the library, I decided to extend the invitation to my philosophy of ed. classmate, the one whom I have been hoping to befriend (backstory here and here). He is an English teacher-to-be, so I thought it would be something that would interest him.
He said, “…Yeah…Yeah, that would be great!” and then, “I’m…I’m actually in the suburbs this weekend, but…yeah!” I read his hesitation to mean that he did not think that he would be able to make it because he would not be in the city, and he was supposed to spend time with his parents. I told him that I would email him a link with information, and we would talk about it.
But when he did not reply all day, I became anxious because normally his replies were so prompt. I decided to send a follow-up text, to which he replied, “Hi, bananena! I am sorry for the delay, and even sorrier to report that tomorrow is family time for me. Thank you for inviting me! Have a wonderful time!”
My dad said that he probably had not turned down my invitation initially on the off chance that he would be able to go, and then his family plans got confirmed for Sunday. And that made a lot of sense to me, but OK
Today I was at the student center trying to stay awake and write my paper
and then, on my way to the restroom, I SAW HIM
on a computer
in the furthest corner
I don’t doubt that he saw me in his peripheral vision, but he was staring at his computer, so I just kept walking and pretended that I didn’t see him, either.
It’s as if he had seen me sitting there and was hoping I wouldn’t see him, so he chose the corner computer, and I don’t know why
All I know is that moment has somehow caused me to feel so intensely embarrassed about absolutely everything.
All of my behavior in relation to him invades my memory so that I can’t focus and I feel so out in the open and I feel like I put myself there, but how can I turn around and reverse this, how can I make sure that things are okay?
I regret inviting him to lit. fest.
I regret taking the social initiative.
I am never initiating socially ever again
If I never see him again, that would be okay with me.
Do I misread people?
Or is he just very introverted and shy?
Or is it because he feels weird as a male person to befriend a female person who is younger?
I MAY NEVER KNOW
so I will just mentally punch myself forever
This is a level of social anxiety I believe I have not experienced since high school
WHY DO I ?!?!?!?
I need to stop reaching out
but I don’t know how
I guess I just need very much to believe in goodness
and it may be wrong to try to surround myself with people whom I sense to be good and kind
but I don’t know what else to do
I feel sad and exposed